Deprevivation - noun /ˌ deprəˈvāSHən/
deprivations, plural
- The damaging lack of material benefits considered to be basic necessities in a society
- The lack or denial of something considered to be a necessity
There are some who think that being homeless, travelling, being an artist or musician, or generally following one's dreams is all fun and games; an endless frisbee tournament in the park, the sound of acoustic guitars ringing relentlessly, the aroma of BBQ and a never-ending supply of free beans, rice, and coffee, supplied by industrious worker ants like themselves, hanging on the air. I have even thought this, myself, and looked down upon homeless hippies flying scrawled, handmade cardboard signs, in front of Safeways across the nation.
It turns out, this is not the case.
I did not make the decision to be homeless in search of endless hedonism. In many respects, i do not feel i made this decision at all, although there were decisions made, along the way. It just came up, and i was trying to be honest and courageous, admitting what the universe wanted from me, and following along, to the best of my ability. Seeking good times was definitely a motivation, granted, as well as inspiration and a spiritually fulfilling life, but more so than anything else, this is what i feel my spirit wanted for me, and i am along for the ride.
For many, Rainbow gatherings are endless HIGHS, smoking pot and dropping acid, all the live long day, bartering everything they own for 'zuzus', aka Sweets, down at trade circle. They avoid work, don't help out the kitchens at all, and are what are termed 'Bliss Ninnies', or 'Drainbos'. Perhaps due to my reluctance to ask for help, and a restless but agreeable nature, this was not my experience, at all. What for many is a free Burning Man lite, ended up for me more like some Jack London story, by way of Lewis Carroll. Surreal and hard.
I realized that i am full of optimism, as long as i have a steady supply of whatever i like: peanut butter cigarettes coffee friends sugar music daydreams. The list goes on and on, and this is sort of the crux of this journey for me, thus far. I have been recovering from severe alcoholism for the last 4 years, finally quit drinking, but the slew of other addictions and obsessions was endless and varied, and it was always like, 'oh well, its okay. At least i'm not drinking.' My addictive mind stayed firmly in place, still obstructing me from what some call 'The Sunlight of the Spirit'. In short, i remained the same ol' Jason. I remained a child.
The universe has asked more of me. It is being firmer and more demanding.
I always have what i need, but some days that may be a slice of bread and a cup of water. I am becoming a non-smoker, almost by default, as i have no way of procuring cigarettes except constantly begging, which i don't like doing, and is also tremendously time consuming. I have other things to do than wandering around, bumming butts all the live long day. I am seeing what i really need, what is really important.
The 4th of July is the pinnacle of the Rainbow experience, where we get the most tourists and curiosity seekers, where everyone observes a morning of silence, praying for world peace. While many were prepping to party their asses off, i was sick as a dog, with fever and stomach cramps, alone in my tent all morning. I had followed the obsession chain, transferring addictions like a juggler with chainsaws, 'as long as i have cigarettes,' 'as long as i have peanut butter,' 'as long as i have belly button lint,' (belly button lint is hard to come by, especially when it is as wet as it is Washington). I rode the hedonism train to the end of the rails. I ran out of EVERYTHING, alone, in my tent. No food. No smokes. No coffee. Cold turkey.
And i thought, i prayed, 'Well, if this is what you want from me, please help me accept.' Brought down to me knees, laid low. Privation. Starvation. Clarity. A calm descended.
There have been many moments, maybe even a majority, when i have been cold wet hungry frightened. I've only eaten hot food on a handful of occasions, in the past few weeks, and i still have not managed to sleep indoors, except a night in someone's car, which was amazing (thanks Andrew!). But there have been countless inspiring interactions, many friendships made. There has been glorious nature, which defies description, although I'm gonna try, cuz that's what i do. There has been music and inspiration. There have been books and thoughts and prayers.
For over a decade, i've nursed a prayer. Art. Its all i care about. I'd do WHATEVER it takes, to make good writing and music, that is, art that i think is good, that i'm satisfied with. I hope you all agree, find something you can take away with you, here. I'm slowly transforming, from a domesticated dog to a wild wolf; wild, beautiful, and free. I've traded the hearth and the warm bed, for vast glowing mountains in the moonlight, for silent deserts and wide-open oceans. I have finally arrived in the solitude of the open road, standing on the side of highways and byways and country lanes and dark forests at night.
There have been many moments when i've wondered if i've done the right thing, and a lot of times its been harder than it needed to be, i'm sure, due to my own stubbornness. I'm still working out the kinks. But its been worth it, as i am catapulted from the realm of comfort and safety into something MIGHTIER, primordial. Terrifying and real. Awesome, in the classic definition of the word. You cannot be wild and free and comfortable and safe, simultaneously. You must ask yrself, what is important, and what you want out of life. This living forces priority and honesty, and courage. And faith, faith that there is an intelligence at work, that is doling out what you need, and yr probably not gonna die, although being SEVERELY uncomfortable at times, until it is yr time to do, and that's going to happen to us all, one way or the other, when its yr time. It might serve all of us well to acknowledge that fact, to look it square in the face, and find out what kind of life we want to lead.
" The real you is timeless and beyond birth and death. And the body will survive as long as it is needed. It is not important that it should live long. A full life is better than a long life." Nisargadatta Maharaj
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