Life Without Bars

I spent 3 1/2 months in jail, one time. I used to stare out the tiny 3 x 3 window, and daydream about just walking away, especially when the bleak Indiana winter started to give way to Spring, and buds started to spring up on the scant trees i could see.

Of course, i ended up in that cage because of alcohol, and i carried that cage around with me wherever i went. My world was collapsing inward, growing smaller and smaller, first a square mile between home and liquor store, then down to a dingy bedroom, with bare walls and seedy light, where i would sit and shake, when i ran out of booze. When i was younger, i travelled thousands of miles, met tons of people. Ecstatic. Expansive. And it all dropped away. I was lying in the gutter, and i was no longer even able to see the stars.

A moment of clarity, a drop of grace; the bottle was dropped, and i was allowed to live. Then the battle began, the battle to find myself, my lost heart, my shattered mind. The battle to find out, once and for all, what was real. I had to get sober, then i had to get sane, then healthy, then finally, i had to get to fed up with my own BS storyline, to get fed up with the same ol' hamster wheel obsessive mind, which was the cage all along.

Things fell into place, and i resumed my life on the road, in a more extreme sense than even before. Without comforts or safety nets or security, just a sense that it was the right thing to do, what G_d wanted from me. So i leapt. Leap of faith. Not knowing what i'd find. Just remembering that yearning for wide open skies, for open roads. To just walk away, and to know myself.

What i've found is an invitation to be really free, which is of course the freedom from Self. My Self, the only enemy there ever was, my damaged brittle brain. I've had to look clearly at the addictive merry go round, that goes 'round and 'round, and the panic that ensues when it starts to run down. I'll tell you, quitting drinking is one thing, but the panic that comes on when running out sugar, caffeine, or nicotine is startlingly intense! And lets not forget the old worry about what people think about me. That also begins to fade, as i essentially talk to strangers for a living. All these things, all these tendencies, that went untended during the first four years of my sobriety, now staring me down, nose to nose. And i am being offered, or have been offered, a real freedom...

When the going gets tough, i remember that little 3 x 3 window. I remember what i would have done for freedom at that time. Hell, just to go outside and get a breath of fresh air! Sometimes i'm wet, sometimes i'm cold, sometimes i'm hungry, oftentimes i'm scared, but it is worth it! This life i am living, it is a gift, it is a gift. The great spirit felt fit to preserve me, for some reason. In a way, this life is no longer my own, and it is my obligation to listen clearly, and to be as steadfast in following my heart, and to do what i feel the right thing is to do.

For every scary, hard moment, there is at least one moment of staggering, breathtaking beauty. The desert at night; fog rolling in off the bay; a meal, with strangers. Walking a dog, playing with a cat. An afternoon with a book and a cup of coffee. I feel perfectly blessed, and what's more, i feel i am living in accordance with my true self. I am maintaining gratitude, and focus, and the sense of responsibility: to myself, to the others that helped get me this far, and for all the rest, stuck out there in the darkness, stuck in confusion, with no clear way out.

So the reason for this message, is a salute to everybody who helped me get this far, who believed in me and never stopped believing in me. I've made mistakes, and i will make a million more, i'm sure, but my heart and soul are still kicking like a mule! I am still drawing breath, and i am out here, under a beautifully clear sky today, a free man. So thank you. Thank you very much. And say a prayer, for all those lost souls, stuck in their invisible cages, that they remember their own divinity, and the healing available to us all. To the peace that surpasseth all understanding. I believe that we will all find our way to the light, one way or the other.